Your Core Values

Read a post recently from "Vanilla Bean" that really struck me.

When we started having kids, I decided that it was absolute foolishness to raise a kid for 18 years under what set of parenting styles and then expect that **poof** they'd become an adult and all of a sudden be different. Thus, we did an extensive analysis of all our friends and what it was that we found wonderful about them. We quickly realized there was a huge diversity of personalities, talents, and styles. It took longer to figure out that there were however two significant character traits that every single person we admired had ... they were kind to others and they were self-disciplined (i.e., dependable, responsible, stable). And those became the two traits that we used as the 'standard' when it came to making all sorts of decisions about our kids behavior ~ was it kind? was it self-disciplined? Our plumb lines as it were.

All of our kids are ssooo different - their school / work journeys, their personalities, the way they look, what they like ... you'd never even guess any of them were related. But all of them are kind and all of them are self-disciplined -- and as a result they are all have great friends and great lives and are a joy to be around.

This is all a long way to say, I really do think a lot of what you get in life is what you value and what you choose.

Dan & I were discussing this over dinner. What are our "core values?" What do all our friends have in common? And, which are the absolute non-negotiables, that without those traits, I couldn't count people in my inner circle? I think the two traits that VB listed are right on target ... and then I realized I had, like, 4 or 5 that became my litmus test. (at least for A-list friends). Those 2 to start, but also, no drama. Or, as my friend Beth puts it, "Understanding the difference between an inconvenience and a tragedy." Self-knowledge; a realistic sense of your own strengths and weaknesses (neither an egomaniac nor a narcissist, nor false modesty). An awareness of the impact of your actions on others - first I thought this was the same thing as kindness, then I decided it was more nuanced - I have one neighbor who would be kind in the "feed stray cats" sense, but be totally oblivious to the inconvenience or tripping hazard to her neighbors if she leaves a dock cart just behind her boat (on the narrow, dark, rickety dock) so it would be there for her to take stuff ashore for an early morning departure. (Kind of a crappy example, I know)

The exercise got even harder when I started trying to articulate the stuff that we totally take for granted (how does a fish describe water?) Intelligence? Honesty? Tolerance?

"Simplicity is the Greatest Luxury"

I've been reading these insane newspaper stories about people spending all of Thanxgiving Day ... not with friends and family, but waiting in line, in a parking lot, so they can be first to get bargains when stores open on Black Friday. Yeah, camped out overnight for 22 hours, cold sandwiches for dinner (I wonder if they had sliced turkey & cheese?)...just to get a crockpot on sale or a new laptop???

I'm thinking of the many reasons I'm thankful to live on a boat. I used to think the greatest gift was how much the physical closeness has helped Dan & me get even better attuned to each others' moods. Now I think an equally valuable gift is the way the tiny space is a natural deterrent to the desire to accumulate material goods. Can't buy 'em if you have no where to put 'em when you get them home, after all!

*Not* Black Friday

The real highlight of the weekend for me was the day after T-day. No, we didn't get up at 4 AM to go shopping for bargains. We met a woman (Heather) for lunch who I'd met online through her blog. She had grown up just 10 minutes away from Karen & Howard's house, so when I'd posted that I was going to be in Philly for the holiday, she suggested a meeting.

She's the one who inspired me to write Life Afloat, long before she even met me (or rather e-met me); I'd been following her story for years. What attracted me is that writes about an ordinary life, being a grad student, looking for a boyfriend and worrying about her grades, but it didn't make for banal reading about on the level of "today I walked the dog and went to the mall." She's an excellent writer, but mostly what made her blog work was that she doesn't just record what happened, she's reflective and humorous about her events. So I figured if she could make an ordinary life into interesting reading, surely I could make our eccentric life on a boat interesting ... and the newspaper bought the idea instantly.

Meeting her in person was wild! Because her blog is so personal, and mine so public, I knew more about her than she did of me, so there was an asymmetry. But she was as articulate and thoughtful in person as she was on paper, so we quickly got into some great conversational topics and began to even out the balance of knowing each other. (Some of those topics are food for thought for future posts for me!)

After the meeting, she went on to visit some relatives and Dan & I to check out an Indian grocery store that we'd heard about. Wow! Basmati rice in 10- or 20-lb bags, an entire aisle devoted to chutneys, odd spiny green vegetables I'd never seen before and had no idea what to do with, rows (!) of curry blends and spices. We restrained ourselves since we knew we wouldn't have time to use much before leaving for Aruba at the beginning of January, but still walked out with 5 bags of exotic ingredients and plans to make ourselves a curry feast tomorrow. So okay, we *did* go shopping on Black Friday ;)

T-day

T-day dinner was tasty, and the guests were a crazy combination that would make a great cast for a short story or play. The diversity could have made the result a comedy or a tragedy. We had our hosts Karen and Howard and their 2 adult sons; Karen's cousin & husband; cousin's elderly father and his medical aide, a soft-spoken woman from Ghana; Howard's brother's ex and her openly gay daughter (the brother himself was spending the day with Mom); and us. Somehow we managed to keep the conversation away from religion, politics, or sports, and covered instead such wide-ranging topics as racehorse breeding, cooking in bulk, one of the boys' road trip to Denver, advertising, and theater.

Thanksgiving Memories

Blog challenge from Heather: post some T-day memories, good, bad, or whatever.

My best memory is from 1983, 27 years ago, Dan proposed on the Weds night before T-day. Our upstairs neighbor came by about a half hour later, excited to tell us that she'd (finally!) landed the job she'd been hoping for; I'm afraid our news eclipsed hers, but there was a lot of happiness on Norwood Ave that day! That was also the year we got hepatitis from the cranberry sauce and couldn't drink alcohol for 6 weeks, including Xmas, New Year's Eve, our WEDDING!

My worst memory is 1994, my kid brother had been found dead just days before. Our family cancelled Thanksgiving celebration that year.

Last year, we spent the holiday with about 150 of our closest friends, a cruisers potluck in Vero Beach, Florida. It was sunny and hot, laden tables and a random assemblage of boaters on their way south, live music and conversation, as those who had done the trip before gave advice to the newbies (of which we were 2).

This year, we're at the home of my college roommate & her family. Its a bit like living in a glossy magazine, setting the table with the good china and silver; sitting in the kitchen giggling and peeling chestnuts; looking at photos from our college days.

Communing With Our Possessions

(Okay, so I failed at NaBloPoMo ... here's an update anyway)

We're just north of Philly, at the home of my college roommate and her family. They're the "friends who are like family" even though we have biological family in the Washington DC area. About 12 years ago they bought this house, and almost immediately made plans to finish the basement. So Dan made a deal - he'd do the labor, and in return, one area whose ceiling was too low to be made into living space, would be our storage room for the things we didn't want to take with us on the boat. Some special pieces of furniture, grandma's quilt, my grandparents' wedding album. Things we'd want if we moved back ashore; things we acquired when we cleaned out my Dad's house after he died.

Now that I no longer have an office and a professional life, those things also needed to go into storage, certificates and textbooks and the art that cheered me every day at the desk. So we had to get rid of some stuff in our already-full storage to make room. We revisited what we owned and discovered, after 8 years of living on a boat, a large number of things that we discovered we no longer need. Some are parted with with sadness, like our cross-country skis that age and injury has made unlikely we'll be able to use again. Some are things that have been left behind as time (and technology) marches on, like old VHS videotaped movies. Some just has passed its expiration date, like old tax records. There's some "what was I thinking?" stuff, and some that I looked at wistfully and remembered an earlier life. We're doing a great deal of reevaluating and assessing our relationship with things...and a great deal of carrying stuff upstairs to be thrown away or donated. More and more I'm understanding the simple efficiency of this quote from designer William Morris:"Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful."

eBooks!!

Bought Dan a Nook (e-book-reader from Barnes & Noble) on Monday. Makes so much sense, on a boat, to store your novels digitally. All the books we want, take up no space at all. And, they're the books WE want to read, not whatever moldy random leftovers are on the marina bookswap shelves. So, I haven't seen his face for 3 days, he's had his nose in a Nook. Went back to B&N today and bought one for me! You can buy new books for about 1/2 the price of a hardcover ... or ... there are loads of free books online. Most of these are classics, things out of copyright - so much the better. My high school English teacher would be so proud of me <*wink*> but at the same time, there's a reason these old books survived, and I'm looking forward to reading them all.

We'll still keep our reference books in hardcopy. Sometimes you want them when the power's out, or take them out to the engine room in the dirt and water. But novels? eBook, we're there!

Changing Seasons

The trees are sticks and twigs, bare of leaves; and similarly our mast and boom are sticks, bare of sails. Time to turn our thoughts away from summer pastimes and toward snuggling down with homemade soup and good books, sweaters, and holiday rituals. Rinsed the sails off yesterday, dried them and took them down, today we'll bring them up to the pavilion and fold them and tuck them into their bags to store till spring. My friend Beth posted this on my Facebook wall, it's so cute that I just had to repeat it here:

126 Days till spring we have already had snow in NY.

Squirrel's tails are very bushy, this just means we'll freeze our tushies.
Palm trees decked with Christmas lights underneath warm starry nights.
That's the stuff of which I dream - X mas in the Carribbean.
Santa's sleigh has evinrudes and lots of island attidude.
Egg nog is a desecration - good rum needs fruit based libation.
Yule logs blazing in the sand, big tall boat drinks in both hands,
Carols played on sweet steel drums and did I mention lots of rum?
Stockings hung by scuba gear - that will help my winter cheer.
The only white I want to see is sandy beach and frothy sea.

A Perfect "Last Sail of the Season"

Visited the Bay one last time, went past Thomas Point Lighthouse, started in gusty winds and a few hours later there was no wind at all and we drifted on the current. But the air was crisp and clear and we looked so hard at everything, knowing that we probably wouldn't get to see it again until next spring. And, knowing that it was the last, we tried to sail just a little further than we would have, wring every last bit of glory out of the afternoon. We had planned to anchor out and watch the stars - but realized it was going to be so cold that we would likely stay inside anyway. So instead we headed on home to the slip, arriving back a scant 8 minutes before sunset. Romantic candlelight dinner and bottle of wine, and we're ready to turn our minds to wintry pursuits. Sunday is time to take down the sails and turn the boat to the "winter" position - bow into the expected direction of the strongest winter winds.

Food Cravings

Okay, I officially HATE daylight savings time. Or, I hyper-HATE changing the clocks! Headed to the gym this morning. Planned to work out for 1 hour, then head to the grocery store, then back to the boat. Got to the gym, parked the car, checked the time. Part way through, my workout was drag-ging, I was weak, etc etc. Checked the clock - 1/2 hour yet to go. Kept sloggin' through. Finished the workout, dragged by lazy sorry b*tt back to the car. Discovered that the clock in the car had not been set back from daylight savings time, but the clock in the gym was. I had just worked out for 2 hours straight.

Went to the grocery store (I hate shopping hungry, which of course I was by this point). Craved two of everything on the shelves. Bought broccoli, salmon, eggs, a few condiments. Here's the crazy thing - I'm standing in the bakery aisle, and what am I craving? Romaine lettuce! "Treated" myself to 3 hearts of romaine and a new brand of salad dressing. Who am I to complain? I could have been craving ice cream. Guess I've been around Jen and Jeremy and Kari and Emily and Courtney (my gym buds) too long! Time to slouch down with a trashy novel - I'm ready.

Some People Walk A Path Strewn With Rose Petals

...but we sail a sea of diamonds. I'm remembering an old country song that includes "I'm just a country boy/Money have I none/But I've got silver in the stars/Gold in the morning sun."

The late autumn trees were dull russets and pine green, the cool dry air was bright and clear. The winds were stronger than the lazy hazy summertime, and the sun flung handfuls of diamonds off our starboard bow. I remember how sad I felt, about 20 years ago, working in a windowless office in a building in Colorado. I realized that for all the rest of my youth, I would spend my days that way, away from the rhythm of the seasons, not to see the shifting light as the days passed, when I longed to be hiking in the mountains or canoeing on the rivers. Now, finally, no longer needing to work. I have that freedom, we have most of all the gift of TIME, and feel truly wealthy.

Last Anchor Out of the Season

I love this! Here we are, at anchor in Whitehall Bay. Crystal clear sky, a rose- and gold- sunset and a sliver of moon. Watching some commercial shipping up and down the bay, and the cars headlights glittering on the bridge. We have the bay to ourselves, except for a couple of gulls - sweet! THIS is why we live on a boat.

Dwelling (today's NaBloPoMo Challenge)

"What would your dream home/apartment/condo/yurt look like? Where would it be? Who'd live in it with you?"

My dream home is a rustic log cabin in the mountains, surrounded by pines and aspens, no other works of humans in sight. Or, maybe a glass-walled apartment on the 15th floor overlooking the glittering lights of a sprawling city, all glossy modern black granite and brass. Or maybe an old stone cottage on a rocky bluff overlooking the ocean. Or a tropical getaway, where you live half indoors and half out, open to the breezes, filled with old mismatched furniture, each piece with a story to tell. Or the cabin of a spaceship, an earth-sheltered cave, a small sailboat. My BFF Karen says this is my gift, able to find something that makes me happy about anywhere I happen to be living - a gift honed by >20 moves since college.

What all my dream homes have in common: lots of sunshine, wood, a great view, and a great kitchen. And Dan, with me.

Going Out to Play

So, at the boat show we got scooters. Human-powered, like the ones you had as a kid. This afternoon, we went out in the sunshine and kicked our way up the marina driveway and then glided back down ... crisp autumn air, crunchy leaves underfoot, getting a little out of breath and wind blowing my hair back ... no plan and no destination, just the feel of being outdoors and moving. So here's the quote I can't get out of my head: "You don't stop playing because you've grown old. You grow old because you stop playing."

Saving up for an e-reader ... or not

I think we're going to bite the bullet and buy a pair of Nooks. Seems so logical, for a couple of voracious readers to conserve space on a boat by keeping our books in electronic form. Just like all our music is on an ipod and our cookbooks are in MasterCook files.

Here's the weird thing. I started exploring what features we want, prices, sources of free out-of-copyright books. We thought, what about waiting for holiday and post-holiday sales, this thing could be a popular Xmas present? Then I realized, why not now? Since we've been living on the boat, we generally live below our means. I haven't waited, saved up for something I want - think delayed gratification - for a long, long, time - because I haven't had to. I feel self-indulgent, like I've blown an opportunity to tone my moral fiber by saving and planning, but I don't know why I feel that way. We've got the guaranteed income/pensions, and savings accumulated through our working years that we haven't touched. It just feels very weird, especially in light of the current national conversation.

Oops, I hadn't thought about posting on weekends

This NaBloPoMo is *definitely* becoming my favorite form of procrastination! I *really* need to get my next Life Afloat up, and instead I'm playing here. Since I've been using the writing prompts during the week, I think I'll use weekends to catch you up on what my ordinary life is being like, these days - if I can think of things that aren't duplicating stuff I've written for L.A.

It's really feeling autumnal - the trees are shades of rust and subtle gold, the days are bright and cool and dry and the nights are snuggly. We spent the morning at a "winterize your boat" seminar, and it really brought home to me - the season is winding down.

The other way we can tell autumn is coming on - we're craving soup. That's okay, we're cooking at home again, something we didn't do all summer, and enjoying just working together, getting into each others' rhythm. We're nostalgic for the old days when we lived in Colorado and the menus were almost always some kind of homemade bean soup/stew, fresh bread, and dark beer. I'm not sure if I miss those days, so much as I miss who I was then - younger of course, and we spent every weekend exploring the mountains, hiking or backpacking or canoeing. It was a golden time.

What Makes You Notice Someone?

What I notice is, someone who pays not attention to whether others are paying attention to him/her - either way. I'm not attracted to someone who is the center of attention (or worse, who DEMANDS to be the center of attention, dominating the room.) I'm equally not attracted to someone who shrinks from notice, the ultimate wallflower. I'm attracted to those who "dance like no one is watching," totally at ease with themselves. That's who I want to be when I grow up.

NaBloPoMo Day 4 - Choosing between some dualities

Would you rather be wealthy and ugly, wise and sickly, or beautiful and stupid?

This question has me just begging to say, "I hate either/or choices, and I remember my mother's advice about moderation in all things." What does wise and sickly mean, exactly? As brilliant as Stephen Hawking ... and confined to a wheelchair almost totally paralyzed? That would be the ultimate in extremes of both wise and sickly - no thanx! Or does it mean, smarter than average, say in the top 10%, with back problems that preclude running a marathon but not going for a walk after dinner? Oh, wait, that just described me, and quite happy with my life overall.

What about wealthy and ugly, and again I'm wondering, how wealthy, and how ugly? A grotesque billionaire? And then spend a tiny portion of that fortune on plastic surgery to look, if not gorgeous, at least not frightening? That might be okay. What about comfortably middle-class and merely plain-looking? That would be okay too. Oops, wait, never mind, I think I'm there, too.

The option of being beautiful and stupid? Well, to use a cliche in its perfect place - that's a no-brainer! I'm really glad to live at a time in history when women can succeed based on something other than cuteness, so on this duality, I'll most emphatically pass. :-)

Politics

R made a comment about campaign mailers, that she used 'negative advertising' to break a tie between two candidates. I had that in mind yesterday.

For the last few years, our state has faced furloughs of public employees. The mailer we got said that most state politicians also accepted furloughs ... but not "Candidate X," who was only interested in himself, so don't vote for "Candidate X." The mailer was paid for by "Candidate Y's" party. So I emailed "Candidate X's" campaign to ask for the true story behind this. Here is part of the email we got back from them:

"It is good of you to ask. They [Candidate Y' party] could have sent this out before now so we could respond. They obviously did not want us to have time to.

The legislators were asked voluntarily to either give back a few days in pay to the government to help people in need, or, they could pay it directly to a charity. The amount was to be equal to the number of days state workers were furloughed. There was never any mention which one was better to do. Candidate X gave directly to those in need for years 1 and 3. He took the cut in pay the second year. Seeing and giving to people in need seemed more direct because the government is a more indirect route and less gets to the needy. If Candidate X is guilty of anything it is that he did not know he was being set up....Give him a call on his cell 444-444-4444. He'll speak with you any time."

That makes the campaign flyer pretty negative, I think, by any standard. Implying that the Candidate X kept the money, when in fact he gave it, every year. In fact, I probably would have given it to charity as well rather than give it back to the government. Big points in his favor. Then I looked more closely at the email. Come again? This isn't the office number, they gave me the candidate's personal cell phone number if I had questions? Now THAT's responsive! And BTW, yes we voted for him, and yes he won his race.

The book: Time

NaBloPoMo Day 3: "Describe the plot of the next book you want to read, even if the book doesn't exist yet."

Lee has the power to freeze time. S/he (I haven't decided yet if the protagonist is male or female, thus the androgynous name) simply strolls up the the bad guy and plucks the bullet out of mid-air, or snatches the child out of the way of the oncoming car, whatever. I also don't know whether Lee is a superhero or alien being come to Earth with amazing advanced technology, whatever. AN-y-way...Lee has spent 50 years fighting chaos, protecting the innocent, and righting wrongs, but now, the all those adventures are taking their toll. His/her body is showing the effects of the abuse and age, s/he is weaker and slower than at his/her prime. Although Lee could stop time in the service of others, s/he can't stop the ravages of time on his/her own self, and can only hope to have gained wisdom enough to compensate for the diminishment of physical strength and superpowers...just in time to face the greatest threat of his/her career. S/he assembles a band to help, including a sentient bird and another superhero/alien whose power/technology is being able to shrink himself to less than an inch tall, and back to his normal 7 foot height, at will. The book is filled with philosophical insights on the nature of power and time and change, and ends happily.

NaBloPoMo - NAtional BLOg POsting MOnth

RoseAnn pointed me at this blog posting challenge, to write something every day for a month. I'm not sure if its inspiring or just another way of procrastinating, as I'm behind on Life Afloat because I'm struggling with a story. But anyway, I thought I'd give this a try.

The prompt for November 1 was a freebie for me: "How would your life change if you didn't have rent or a mortgage to pay, i.e., if your housing was free?" Umm, been there, done that, my housing *is* free, and the story of that is "Life Afloat."

Today's prompt is "Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?" Where do I start, every piece of jewelry I have comes with a story, and I've got a lot of jewelry. One piece, though, stands out. It's a small diamond pendant in a triangular shape. (photo coming) that has been through 3 incarnations.

My father's mother had a pair of diamond stud earrings, the first incarnation. She also had two sons. When each got engaged, she gave him one earring to turn into a ring for his fiancee, the second incarnation. Then at some point early in my parents' marriage, they replaced the ring with an eternity band of diamonds, and my mother had the engagement ring rearranged into this unique diamond pendant. I have pictures of me as a toddler and that necklace around my mother's neck. After she died, the necklace passed to me and I wore it day and night for several years, in memory not just of her, but of the continuity of women - changing, rearranging, but somehow, always the same.