When we started having kids, I decided that it was absolute foolishness to raise a kid for 18 years under what set of parenting styles and then expect that **poof** they'd become an adult and all of a sudden be different. Thus, we did an extensive analysis of all our friends and what it was that we found wonderful about them. We quickly realized there was a huge diversity of personalities, talents, and styles. It took longer to figure out that there were however two significant character traits that every single person we admired had ... they were kind to others and they were self-disciplined (i.e., dependable, responsible, stable). And those became the two traits that we used as the 'standard' when it came to making all sorts of decisions about our kids behavior ~ was it kind? was it self-disciplined? Our plumb lines as it were.
All of our kids are ssooo different - their school / work journeys, their personalities, the way they look, what they like ... you'd never even guess any of them were related. But all of them are kind and all of them are self-disciplined -- and as a result they are all have great friends and great lives and are a joy to be around.
This is all a long way to say, I really do think a lot of what you get in life is what you value and what you choose.
Dan & I were discussing this over dinner. What are our "core values?" What do all our friends have in common? And, which are the absolute non-negotiables, that without those traits, I couldn't count people in my inner circle? I think the two traits that VB listed are right on target ... and then I realized I had, like, 4 or 5 that became my litmus test. (at least for A-list friends). Those 2 to start, but also, no drama. Or, as my friend Beth puts it, "Understanding the difference between an inconvenience and a tragedy." Self-knowledge; a realistic sense of your own strengths and weaknesses (neither an egomaniac nor a narcissist, nor false modesty). An awareness of the impact of your actions on others - first I thought this was the same thing as kindness, then I decided it was more nuanced - I have one neighbor who would be kind in the "feed stray cats" sense, but be totally oblivious to the inconvenience or tripping hazard to her neighbors if she leaves a dock cart just behind her boat (on the narrow, dark, rickety dock) so it would be there for her to take stuff ashore for an early morning departure. (Kind of a crappy example, I know)
The exercise got even harder when I started trying to articulate the stuff that we totally take for granted (how does a fish describe water?) Intelligence? Honesty? Tolerance?
1 comment:
Oops, I need to caveat that "no drama" comment. Of course, there's drama in every life. What I hate is people who make drama out of things that aren't (usually for the attention). If your kid sister is diagnosed with cancer, that's legitimate drama. If you realized that you just gave an entire presentation with a run in your stocking, sorry, that doesn't qualify (even if the owner of the company was in the audience!)
Post a Comment