I went to my office Xmas party and something was different. Same white and gold tree in the corner as last year. Same music as last year; a bass played by our elegant big boss, a piano and a guitar played by some guys I didn't know, kazoo (!) played by the cheerful guy who'd survived a heart attack a couple of years ago, vocals by two women from personnel. Same arrangement of tables as last year with the same foods (2 for appetizers, 1 for desserts, 1 for drinks). Same-same...except. Except that this office party, with Dan's office party tomorrow, will be my last office Xmas parties - ever. Next year at this time I'd be retired, living on the boat, presumably anchored off some sandy beach.I looked around the auditorium in which the party was held and realized that I knew few of the people, and most of those I did know were senior too. I felt uninspired to meet new people, and certainly uninspired to schmooze. I gave my door prize ticket to the woman sitting next to me (what would I do if I won? If I wasn't working here any more, what good would a logo coffee mug or shirt do me?), and left early.
Everything I do this season has the unusual clarity of something I'm about to lose, and want to sear into memory. The annual Thanksgiving dinner at Karen and Howard's in Philly, Melissa's gift swap in Alexandria, Parade of Lighted Boats in Annapolis that always falls on the same evening as my cousins Rob & Amanda's holiday open house ... this year is the last time for all of it.
Back in my office, I grabbed a textbook off my shelf to back up a comment I wanted to make on a document I was reviewing...and the last time for that, too is coming soon...and the textbook almost opened itself to where I wanted. This time I noticed that the pages were yellowing and the copyright was 30 years ago. I remember buying that book when it, and my career, were brand new. I don't want to be one of those people doing the retirement countdown because I believe in this job. I have one last thing I want to do, and that's revise my report on barriers and opportunities on getting science into public decisionmaking. I'm tired of driving the Beltway, and my eyes will glaze over if I have to read the plans for one more road or bridge. And yet, I need something bigger than myself to be involved in, some reason to get up in the morning. If my life is just about pleasing myself, lounging on the beach, who would notice if I was gone? My friend Cathy once explained why they came back from cruising, "You can only play so many games of tennis or golf before it gets boring." Exciting, and scary at the same time. Next year at this time ... who will I be, when I no longer hand out business cards that identify me as "Senior Environmental Scientist?"
9 comments:
jaye - your post really scared me . I cant put my finger on it but this is the same dilema my Dh is facing at the mo. He is not going to the office party as he has a night shift before it and he thinks he is glad and hoping that this time next yr he will be saying goodbye to them all.There is that clarity when you know something is for the last time, and I wish youluck with your hopes and dreams and saying goodbye. I too would never like to be one of those last hangers on, and I think in front of you a Jaye in waiting - waiting to be discovered. Youare bigger and more exciting than that job and it will be fun reading about your dicoveries!! Hope you post in your insights about this transitional time for us to share?
Happy christmas and holidays to you and Dan!!
Ps - Some people retire and retire from life, why do I get the feeling this is only the beginning of something hugely new in yours?
Thanx for your support Krissie! Dan read this post and said it was one of the saddest things I'd written to date (I think I scared him, too). There's some light, though. At his office party yesterday, I got to talking with a guy who retired some time ago and now volunteers with the Navy sailing program. He said if you make a list of what you want to do in retirement, and 5 years later you'll look back at that list and find you're doing totally different things. As long as I don't become one of those ladies whose retirement "goal" is to organize their basement LOL! Talk about being a slave to your stuff!
While I love my job, I'm ready to explore "Jaye Eryka Mk II" (whoever that turns out to be)
Wishing the same to you and DH, and a happy sunny holiday - they're predicting snow for us this weekend - yay!
Hi Jaye - couldnt get your post out of my head last night, and I agree with Dan - it is one of the poingniantly saddest things I've ever read writtn by you. Still onward and upward!!
Predicting 35C here - a hottie for us on xmas day!
I found your post to be very poignant and reflective. For me, saying goodbye enables us to say hello to something else. I guess because I've had to say "good bye" to so many things, I've just taken on this perspective.
In any case, I am excited for you. Hmmm... maybe after you retire, you and Dan might want to land trek over to WV for a visit. ;)
What an exciting transition but you do such a good job of describing the tough parts, too. To someone who sees retirement in the distant future, it's strange to hear any angst about the process.
I hope that you will find something that fulfills you as much as your present career! But for us working stiffs, go and enjoy the beaches, too! ;)
Thanx, Playful! WV would be a wonderful trip - especially after those amazing photos of the girls you sent in your holiday email!
It's sort of weird - Dan and I count 23 moves between us since college - you'd think I'd have gotten good at saying goodbye to one thing and hello to something new, by now. I don't know why this is different, I think more of my identity is tied up in "what I do" than I'd realized. And it should be about "who I am" not "what I do."
Hi RoseAnn, I never expected this retirement angst either. It took me quite by surprise. Most of my friends who've retired, when they come back to the office for a visit, look about 10 years younger and describe themselves as deleriously (sp?) happy, and as so busy they wonder how they ever had time for work. And these are people who liked their jobs and were good at them!
just another thought to add... when my dad was going toretire he was full of angst too... after 35 yrs I think + in one firm he was so sad to end it all. Then when he retired he tool ooked relaxed and happy and often said if pressed then he wouldnt find the time to work ever again...he was too busy enjoying himself and Ive heard that time and time over from others too!!!
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